A few years back I lucked into an unexpected pile of cash. I’m not sure how word got out but it did. Suddenly, I was pitching in to help my brother buy a used car. I “loaned” $500 to a friend to help pay for the broker’s fee on her new apartment. And another long-time friend gave me such a sob story I “loaned” her a thousand bucks. 

At the end of the day, I gave that money to my brother cause he bailed me out plenty over the years, “$500 Loan” kept promising me I’d have it next month, but didn’t deliver. And, finally, “Long-Term Friend” never mentioned it again — not a peep. Guess she’d conveniently forgotten it or pretended to. And I didn’t bring it up because I feel so awkward about discussing money. 

So, now we’re no longer friends and I swear I will never give another cent to a pal in trouble. But then, someone else hits hard times and I’m back where I started . . . “Neither a borrower nor a lender be,” Polonius tells his son Laertes in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Sounds like good advice, but it’s not always easy to follow Polonius’s counsel.

In 2021 the BBC posted an article by Bryan Lufkin that’s all about this issue. Lufkin writes that “experts say that lending money conflicts with societal taboos about discussing money, and introduces a power imbalance into a close, trusting relationship. This can potentially leave both parties feeling complex emotions like shame, embarrassment and anger.”

Lufkin and other writers on the subject point out how most of us have a fraught relationship with money and aren’t at ease discussing it. Some of us cling to financial preconceptions that can wreak havoc on how we manage our resources. Shame and fear play a huge role in how we think — or refuse to think — about money.

Polly Clover on the Achieve website turns a spotlight on her mixed emotions about money, debt, and finally facing her financial future. Before and after college, she lived from paycheck to paycheck, getting by but not saving much, borrowing from her mother on occasion. Little by little, debt accrued — sound familiar? — and so did her anxiety. What extra money she had went to paying the minimums on her credit cards. She had a bad case of debt-shaming, that horrible feeling of financial worthlessness that stems from owing money.

Clover took the bull by the horns and decided to address her money fears by becoming financially literate. She recommends credit counseling, money management plans, debt payoff  strategies. Realistic assessment of your resources and what you do with them is the key to ridding yourself of debt shame.

Seems as if everyone we know is carrying some kind of debt — credit cards, car payments, house loans, et cetera, et cetera. Like Clover, sometimes we turn to family members for assistance.

And sometimes we turn to our friends.

The BBC’s Lufkin describes how lending money to friends can change relationships, quoting Brad Klontz, financial psychologist and associate professor at Creighton University in Nebraska:  “…all of a sudden you’re a loan officer.” No one likes being the bad cop or high school principal, a dour figure who’s resented and avoided. Some Hollywood writer once said if you never want to hear from someone again, ask that person to read your screenplay. Money-lending is just as effective.

Based on his research, Lufkin offers two pieces of advice: if you’re going to lend a chum any kind of substantial sum, kindly insist on a detailed re-payment plan; and only lend money if you’re okay with not getting it back.

Lufkin summarizes: “if you’re upfront with your expectations — whether you want to lend money at all and, if so, whether you want the money back and when you want it back — you could end up helping a friend in need without torching the relationship.”

Heed what Lufkin and Clover have to say, examine — and, if necessary, change — your attitudes to money. The more you know about your finances, the better. When someone asks for moolah, you can handle the situation effectively.

Friendship is priceless. Don’t let money matters ruin yours.

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A few years back I lucked into an unexpected pile of cash. I’m not sure how word got out but it did. Suddenly, I was pitching in to help my brother buy a used car. I “loaned” $500 to a friend to help pay for the broker’s fee on her new apartment. And another long-time friend gave me such a sob story I “loaned” her a thousand bucks. 



At the end of the day, I gave that money to my brother cause he bailed me out plenty over the years, “$500 Loan” kept promising me I’d have it next month, but didn’t deliver. And, finally, “Long-Term Friend” never mentioned it again — not a peep. Guess she’d conveniently forgotten it or pretended to. And I didn’t bring it up because I feel so awkward about discussing money. 



So, now we’re no longer friends and I swear I will never give another cent to a pal in trouble. But then, someone else hits hard times and I’m back where I started . . . “Neither a borrower nor a lender be,” Polonius tells his son Laertes in Shakespeare’s Hamlet. Sounds like good advice, but it’s not always easy to follow Polonius’s counsel.



In 2021 the BBC posted an article by Bryan Lufkin that’s all about this issue. Lufkin writes that “experts say that lending money conflicts with societal taboos about discussing money, and introduces a power imbalance into a close, trusting relationship. This can potentially leave both parties feeling complex emotions like shame, embarrassment and anger.”



Lufkin and other writers on the subject point out how most of us have a fraught relationship with money and aren’t at ease discussing it. Some of us cling to financial preconceptions that can wreak havoc on how we manage our resources. Shame and fear play a huge role in how we think — or refuse to think — about money.



Polly Clover on the Achieve website turns a spotlight on her mixed emotions about money, debt, and finally facing her financial future. Before and after college, she lived from paycheck to paycheck, getting by but not saving much, borrowing from her mother on occasion. Little by little, debt accrued — sound familiar? — and so did her anxiety. What extra money she had went to paying the minimums on her credit cards. She had a bad case of debt-shaming, that horrible feeling of financial worthlessness that stems from owing money.



Clover took the bull by the horns and decided to address her money fears by becoming financially literate. She recommends credit counseling, money management plans, debt payoff  strategies. Realistic assessment of your resources and what you do with them is the key to ridding yourself of debt shame.



Seems as if everyone we know is carrying some kind of debt — credit cards, car payments, house loans, et cetera, et cetera. Like Clover, sometimes we turn to family members for assistance.



And sometimes we turn to our friends.



The BBC’s Lufkin describes how lending money to friends can change relationships, quoting Brad Klontz, financial psychologist and associate professor at Creighton University in Nebraska:  “...all of a sudden you’re a loan officer.” No one likes being the bad cop or high school principal, a dour figure who’s resented and avoided. Some Hollywood writer once said if you never want to hear from someone again, ask that person to read your screenplay. Money-lending is just as effective.



Based on his research, Lufkin offers two pieces of advice: if you’re going to lend a chum any kind of substantial sum, kindly insist on a detailed re-payment plan; and only lend money if you’re okay with not getting it back.



Lufkin summarizes: “if you’re upfront with your expectations — whether you want to lend money at all and, if so, whether you want the money back and when you want it back — you could end up helping a friend in need without torching the relationship.”



Heed what Lufkin and Clover have to say, examine — and, if necessary, change — your attitudes to money. The more you know about your finances, the better. When someone asks for moolah, you can handle the situation effectively.



Friendship is priceless. Don’t let money matters ruin yours.




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