When Grown-A** Kids Won’t Leave The Nest
Dec 02 | 2024
Family Home - Photo by Phil Hearing for Unsplash
Most parents welcome visits from their grown-up children.
But what happens when the kids head back home when life gets rough and then never leave?
This scenario is playing out more and more frequently as 20-something adults try to cope with – or hide from – skyrocketing costs in an increasingly expensive world. Lou Carloza shares some intriguing statistics in an article for Moneywise:
Looking at American adults of the ages 25 to 34, 19.7% of men
and 12.3% of women live at home, according to 2023 numbers
from the U.S. Census Bureau. These numbers are higher than
they were two decades ago. In 2004, just 13.9% of men and 8%
of women in this group were living at home.
It makes sense that the numbers are increasing; things aren’t getting cheaper and money’s not going as far as it used to. Is moving back home the solution? For a growing number of young adults, the answer is yes.
As Bankrate’s Lane Gillespie points out, millennials – 28 to 43-year olds – are getting it in the neck. In 2008 young people entered the job market during a financial crisis. If that wasn’t bad enough, “during the pandemic, many millennials suffered from mass layoffs and pay cuts. By 2022, inflation impacted millennials’ ability to curb their spending or save.”
Moving home, Gillespie says, drastically reduces young people’s overhead, which means more money can be set aside for a first house or to deal with student loans and credit card debt.
Moving home comes with its pros and cons, of course. Money Under 30 puts in a nutshell:
Ultimately, you’ll need to decide if saving money outweighs
the psychological effects of living back home. While you may
not be paying rent or utility bills, your spending may go
unchecked. This means you’re not making the most of living
with your parents again.
As with so many things, the conscious pursuit of specific goals makes all the difference. To avoid emotional and financial turmoil, both parent and adult child must work hard to make sure no one’s getting the short end of the stick.
Moneywise’s Lou Carlozo spoke with parents who feel exploited by their back-in-the-nesters. Even though many of these aging fledglings have jobs and make whopping good salaries, they’re expecting Momma and Papa bird to foot the bill. Carlozo quoted “Overworked Mom” on the subject of her two sons: “The levels of entitlement and expectations are absurd…I don’t know how to get them ‘launched’ without damaging our relationships further.”
How to handle dicey situations like that?
Two words: Boundaries and Accountability.
The Newport Institute provides a checklist for “boomerang kids” that includes:
- Create a set of agreed-upon rules and expectations around practical yet potentially contentious household issues, chores, cleaning, how the shopping and cooking will be shared, whether meals will be eaten together, etc. Address trickier issues as well, such as privacy and whether parents are okay with a young adult’s significant other spending the night.
- Talk about finances. If the young adult is able to, will they contribute to household expenses? If not, are there other things they can do around the house to support the family? It’s not a given that a young adult child should help support the household financially if it’s not necessary, but it is important to have a shared sense of responsibility and caretaking.
- When it comes to what adult children do outside of the home, parents need to realize that they cannot make the same demands as they might have back when their young adult was a teenager. However, expectations around information can be set. For example, if a young adult plans to stay out all night, then a parent can ask for a text or call to confirm their safety, but it’s not appropriate to set a curfew.
- Substance use should be addressed up front. Parents have the right to set limits around young adult drug use in the home.
- It may be tempting for both parents and young adults to fall back into old parent-child patterns—such as the parent doing all the laundry and even cleaning the kid’s room. It’s important to break out of these patterns and for everyone to remember that young adults can take care of themselves, and will actually benefit from doing so.
- Set emotionally healthy boundaries with parents, as well as practical ones. Parents can share their advice when invited, and certainly if they feel there is cause for concern. But they also need to respect a young adult’s autonomy and right to make their own decisions. For parents of adult children, it’s important to find the balance so that support doesn’t tip into over-involvement. And young adults can choose not to engage in conflict if a parent disagrees with their choices
Moving back home is a massive decision. Whether you do it by choice or by necessity, planning, honesty, and mutual respect will help you – and the parents – make the most of it.
- Create a set of agreed-upon rules and expectations around practical yet potentially contentious household issues, chores, cleaning, how the shopping and cooking will be shared, whether meals will be eaten together, etc. Address trickier issues as well, such as privacy and whether parents are okay with a young adult’s significant other spending the night.
- Talk about finances. If the young adult is able to, will they contribute to household expenses? If not, are there other things they can do around the house to support the family? It’s not a given that a young adult child should help support the household financially if it’s not necessary, but it is important to have a shared sense of responsibility and caretaking.
- When it comes to what adult children do outside of the home, parents need to realize that they cannot make the same demands as they might have back when their young adult was a teenager. However, expectations around information can be set. For example, if a young adult plans to stay out all night, then a parent can ask for a text or call to confirm their safety, but it’s not appropriate to set a curfew.
- Substance use should be addressed up front. Parents have the right to set limits around young adult drug use in the home.
- It may be tempting for both parents and young adults to fall back into old parent-child patterns—such as the parent doing all the laundry and even cleaning the kid’s room. It’s important to break out of these patterns and for everyone to remember that young adults can take care of themselves, and will actually benefit from doing so.
- Set emotionally healthy boundaries with parents, as well as practical ones. Parents can share their advice when invited, and certainly if they feel there is cause for concern. But they also need to respect a young adult’s autonomy and right to make their own decisions. For parents of adult children, it’s important to find the balance so that support doesn’t tip into over-involvement. And young adults can choose not to engage in conflict if a parent disagrees with their choices
Moving back home is a massive decision. Whether you do it by choice or by necessity, planning, honesty, and mutual respect will help you – and the parents – make the most of it.
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